Son Moves IN

[t_bell40]

Hi All, I am at my wits end. It has been a week since my son moved in. He is 19 with a job. It is a part time job. He is looking for full time work. He doesn't care about schoool. He has never been a good student. I have been pushing for him to go to Junior college. He doesn't like that idea.
He doesn't respect me or my rules or my house. He has lived with his mom all his life and was pretty much left to raise himself since age 9. His mom was always working or going to school. I seen him the usual, once a week once on the weekend.
I am not sure what to do here. I am thinking of just telling him he needs to find a place to live within the next 30 days.
Does anyone out there have a similar situation they could give me advice with ????????? Thanks !!

[lespaulgb]

What kind of job does your son currently have? If it's not a particularly well paid job with little prospects I hear ya on wanting better for him. Same with the house rules. Have you guys been able to sit down and talk to each other? 19 year olds can be quite headstrong so maybe a little patience and gentle guidance from you will help. It sounds like he had a hard time from a young age so maybe he's rebelling.

[t_bell40]

Thanks Les,
He has been working at a dairy farm. I have told him how proud i am of his keeping a very tough job for the last 3 yrs.
I have also told him he has gotten valuable training if he would like to work at another farm.
He says he doesn't want to dairy farm. He is looking at a pressure wash job washing semi trailers.
I just wrote up an agreement. I stated what i needed. I told him first infraction is a warming notice. Second notice is eviction.
He signed it for it worth. I was told he had a similar agreement at his mom's. I think that is why he is here.
Just have to wait and see i guess. I have been living here in my own house now for 3 yrs. I love not having to deal with anyone's b.s. Now i am dealing with someone elses b.s. Thanks for you time, Tim

[t_bell40]

Originally Posted by t_bell40

Thanks Les,
He has been working at a dairy farm. I have told him how proud i am of his keeping a very tough job for the last 3 yrs.
I have also told him he has gotten valuable training if he would like to work at another farm.
He says he doesn't want to dairy farm. He is looking at a pressure wash job washing semi trailers.
I just wrote up an agreement. I stated what i needed. I told him first infraction is a warming notice. Second notice is eviction.
He signed it for it worth. I was told he had a similar agreement at his mom's. I think that is why he is here.
Just have to wait and see i guess. I have been living here in my own house now for 3 yrs. I love not having to deal with anyone's b.s. Now i am dealing with someone elses b.s. Thanks for you time, Tim

p.s. He has always looked up to his older sister (23) who has herself always been in trouble with the law and smoking pot and whatever.
His other older sister (24) is living on her own working 2 part time jobs to survive. She also has a batchelor's degree.

[lespaulgb]

I'm not familiar with farming but over here the money isn't great. Still a job is better than no job. Good for you on getting him to sign some sort of agreement while living with you. It is hard going from living on your own to having anyone with you but at the end of the day he's your son and maybe needs a little stability. Good to hear from you.

Scott

Edit

Is there any reason he looks up to the less responsible sister, aside from the bad guy image she seems to be living up too? Congrats to his other sister on getting a degree and working hard. Assuming these are your children too you must be proud of the 24 year old at least.

[Seamus]

He doesn't respect me or my rules or my house.

You list a mix of types of frustration but the most immediate would be the difficulty you both have simply in learning to live together. I agree with you and Les that it is a good thing that you had him sign a contract with you on living arrangements. My suggestion to you is to let up for the time being on his future career plans, especially since you are only one week into this new phase of your relationship.

If you are not charging him rent, then you might consider doing that. If you are, and housekeeping is the issue, then you might consider charging him more and using that additional amount to pay for a cleaning service to come clean your house, and let him know that's where the money is going. If he cleaned up his act (literally) then there would be no need for a cleaning service and he could keep more of his money. But by no means should you have to pick up after him.

[t_bell40]

Thanks All,
I am charging him rent. 100 a month. i know that is cheap and so far i haven't seen anything yet. This is what i mean. He does things when he is ready to do them. Not when you are ready or the way you want them done.
You are right though that is difficult living with ANYONE when you have had the whole house to yourself. !!!

[Seamus]

Yes, it is a big change for anyone to go from living alone to sharing a home. You don't get to call all the shots anymore. I suspect that when my older daughter comes home from her first year in college, life for me will not simply be a continuation of how it was when she was a child. Of course there will have to be ground rules on housekeeping but in terms of how she spends her time, she will be bound to expect much more independence than before. And that will likely have an effect on my younger (13) daughter, making her more likely to challenge my rules for her.

I think a good way to go forward is if you focus on a short list of behaviors and responsibilities, all related to making living together bearable (and hopefully pleasant). I think $100 is a good amount. It establishes the principle that he contributes toward expenses, as any adult should, while recognizing that he is not in the financial position to pay market rates. If you have not been specific about when the rent is due, then you might want to make that very clear. 1st day of the month, last day of the month, midway through the month. Any of those is fine. What wouldn't be fine is whenever he feels like it. Or to pay lump payments every few months. Getting him in the practice of making monthly payments will be a good life lesson.

Above I wrote 'short' for a reason. If you take a long laundry list of behaviors to correct, then it is less likely that he will act on any of them since it will seem to him like an impossible request, and further that you are sending the implicit message that you find him pretty worthless.

By the way, the fact that he is now living with you implies that you overcame the difficulty caused by your blowup a few months back. Congratulations for that.

[Redwolf698]

It sounds to me like you both need to grow up a little. You must have invited him to live with you, yet you complain about it. He's your offspring, yet you "don't want to deal with the BS". He's 19, but you've only been in his life "on weekends and that".

Wow. Good luck to you both, my gut says this will end badly because neither one of you care for or respect the other.

[mrbillk]

You write that he doesn't respect your rules. I grew up with my folks and the 'my house, my rules' philosophy. If the behavior continues, then you may have to let him face the consequences of his actions. 'Tough love' may be the only way he will learn that he can't always disrespect others. It's hard to do to your children, but enabling them won't make them grow up.

Good luck